Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
