I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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