we're blogging at a bar
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
she told me i tasted like america
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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