I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
