ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
