you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
