bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
