tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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