I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
