Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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