Who wears a wallet chain?!
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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