he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
