im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
