Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
