Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
