Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
