she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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