I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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