I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
