dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Come see our sink grown plant.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
