He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
