god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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