Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
