I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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