You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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