good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
