Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Drunk is not a location!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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