You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
