Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
