All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
