i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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