my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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