I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
