It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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