Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
