They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
