Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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