Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
