i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
