he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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