Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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