also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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