I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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