just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
