i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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