did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
