the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Is Oprah even human
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
