dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
