I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
