If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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